also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
