were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
