I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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