Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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