i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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