you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
