I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
