is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Randomize