Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
