We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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