She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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