I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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