I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
