Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize