Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
