the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She said her name was "party"
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
