my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
