Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
