Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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