so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
