I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
