I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
