I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
