New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
