I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Randomize
