Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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