he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
