he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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