I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
