Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
