remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
