i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My balls are so social today.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Let's paint friendship bongs
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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