never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
