Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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