i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
