I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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