just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
