Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
