either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
