if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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