For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
