you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
