i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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