i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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