Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
