Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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