don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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