So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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