I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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