He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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