Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
