If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
