I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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