So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
