Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
