how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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