I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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