hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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