my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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