I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Congratulations! We have a period
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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