yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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