I'm gonna have a badass scar
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
