No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
