Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
