I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
