I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
